2005-06-27

sleazy man seeks playmate

So I've been kinda bored lately, packing all my stuff up. Throwing lots of it away. To pass the time, Di and I answered a "job" listing from some freak on an online community board. I will reproduce our exchange below for your amusement:


How we filled out the "application" to be his personal assistant and "playmate":

Name: Kandi S.
Your Age?: 22
Height?: 5'7
Weight?: 128

Hair Color? (Real): espresso brown
Hair Color (Now): honey blonde

DESCRIBE YOUR BODY TYPE: Slim

PRESENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS...: Dating Several People

MY ETHNICITY IS: Mixed

DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN NOW?: No

DO YOU WANT CHILDREN?: I am Undecided

YOUR EYE COLOR: Blue

ARE YOU A SMOKER?: No

ARE YOU A DRINKER?: Drink Occasionally

WHAT IS YOUR "MOOD ENHANCING PHARMACUTICAL" USEAGE?: I have, but will never again

WHAT IS YOUR HIGHEST LEVEL OF EDUCATION: Some college

DESCRIBE YOURSELF AND PERSONALITY IN FULL DETAIL (100 TO 500 WORDS): I'm fun and outoing, spontaneous. I like romantic movies and horseback riding. I'm very modest but people tend to be really jealous of me because I have inner and outer beauty. I'm looking to make a real spiritual connection, as well as sensual, because I feel like it is just a really important part of life.

IF YOU WERE TO INVITE (5) PEOPLE FROM
THE PRESENT OR PAST TO DINNER, WHO WHOULD THEY BE AND WHY? (100-500 WORDS): Coco Chanel
Ghandi
Audrey Hepburn
Abraham Lincoln
Russel Crowe
I think these people would all really get a long and have interesting things to say aobut life, freedom and fashion.

DESCRIBE YOUR MOST SENSUAL EXPERIENCE IN DETAIL (100 TO 200 WORDS): One time, I came home and boyfriend strewn roses and ballons all over our apartment. It was my birthday, and then he gave me a bubble bath and sensual massage with vanillia scented oil-you can imagine the rest. :-)

DESCRIBE YOUR WORST FEARS IN LIFE, IN DETAIL (100 TO 200 WORDS): My worst fear is to be left alone in a room full of spiders. Ick. Also, I dont' want to get old. But I saw on Dr. Phil the other day, that my generation may live to be 125. It means that I will be old for a hundred years. Though maybe things will be better by then. I like to be optimistic, you know, see the world as half full. :-)

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU THNG ARE YOUR BEST PHYSICAL FEATURES, AMD WHY IN DETAIL (50 TO 100 WORDS): I think my best features are my breasts. Because they are full, yet perky, yet 125% au naturel as the french would say.

SELECT THE MOST EXCITING THING FOR YOU ON THIS LIST: Screwing

SELECT THE NEXT MOST EXCITING THING TO YOU ON THIS LIST: Shopping

SELECT THE LEAST MOST EXCITING THING FOR YOU ON THIS LIST: Nothing

I AM MOST ATTRACTED TO: Both Men & Women (More For Men)
Are you U.S. Citizen?: YES

ARE YOU CURRENTLY: Working Part Time

CURRENT OCCUPATION IF ANY: florist worker

ANNUAL SALARY ( IF ANY): 16,0000

Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type?: NO

Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted with a violent offense?: NO

Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you?: NO

Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or chapter 11?: NO

Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or in film?: NO

What City Are You Closest To?: san diego

Your Contact Phone Number 1 (With Area Code): 619 5550-55555

2nd Contact Phone Number (With Area Code): (619) 555-5555

AskFive (5) Questions to Be Answered by Me For You.: I hope you don't mind but I dont' feel comfortable giving you my phone number before you answer my questions, I think it is only fair, as I have answered your aned a girl has to watch out for her safety.
What is your most sensual experience?
Do you get jealous when your g/f may hit on other women?
How many times have you done this?
what is your edcuational background?
Where are you from?

Please provide a work history for the last 3 years.: florist shop worker

TERMS & CONDITIONS OF APPLICATION: I acknowledge that all the information provided on this questionnaire is true and accurate, and any false or misleading information submitted herein is grounds for my immediate elimination from consideration. This questionnaire and any other material submitted by me, including, but not limited to, pictures, film and videotapes, becomes the property of sleazyman.com and shall not be returned. I further understand that by submitting this questionnaire, the Employer has no obligation to accept me and my selection and participation in this employment is in no way guaranteed, as it is merely for the purpose of evaluating potential employees. I acknowledge that I have read and fulfill the eligibility requirements and all the information provided on this questionnaire is true and accurate, and any false or misleading information submitted herein is grounds for my immediate elimination from consideration.


I guess we will have to be eliminated from consideration. But then we could say the same with this phony story. He didn't actually catch on, so here are his answers to our questions:

Thank you for your response. Here are my responses to your questions:

What is your most sensual experience?

I was17 years old and working in my Parents restaurant. I found myself having a crush on a waitress there who was fifteen years my senior by the name of Pamela. I remember her as a tall Woman with large, almost rocket type breasts and a smile that would warm you on a cold winter day. One day I was in the changing room in the basement are of the restaurant between lockers thinking I was alone. As I took my pants off (I didn't wear any underwear) I noticed that I was getting a hard on and knew if I went out into the restaurant that I would see her and continue to have this lump in my pants all night long. So I decided right there and then to quickly jerk off to remove the possibility of the hard on that was sure to embarrass me all night. I started to masturbate and after a few minutes, I began to feel that tingling sensation just before I cum. The wave of pleasure was just beginning to pulse through my body when I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone sitting in a chair just staring at me. At first I was in horror that someone saw me doing such a thing but at the same time I noticed it was Pamela and She was sitting with her legs apart and had one hand holding her waitress uniform dress up and the other in her panties. Her eyes were staring straight at me and my cock. We both locked eyes and smiled at each other. She stood up and came over to me and took off what little clothing she had on still. We had what I would consider the best sex that any 17 year old kid could ever dream of for the next half hour. And to this day, I still don't wear underwear...

Do you get jealous when your g/f may hit on other women?

I have only recently found out that I an attracted to a Woman that is attracted to other Women. I enjoy being a 'partner' in search for Her and in turn She sometimes seeks out what She would think I would enjoy. However, no matter what is brought before us, I ALWAYS focus on the woman that I am with. The other woman is for Her pleasure and not solely mine.


How many times have you done this?

First time. I am B-O-R-E-D with the social scenes in the area and instead of traveling all around the world to meet someone,. I thought this would be more 'fun'...It is!!


what is your edcuational background?

Graduated University Of South Dakota with a BA


Where are you from?
Born in Beverly Hills Calif. Rainsed in Brussels. Moved to Washington in late 70's.

All this is at http://www.sleazymanseeksplaymate.com

OK.. time to send pics...right?

Lets see what we have here..

_Sleazy man seeking playmate


Several hours later he adds:
I am very interested in your application. Please provide me with a picture or two to go along with it asap.

Thanks_ Sleazy Man seeking "playmate"


Perhaps it makes me an asshole to make fun of him, and then post it online, but whatever.

xanthium at 7:56 p.m.

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