2007-03-17

change is hard.

I didn't get into the school I wanted. I found out a couple of days ago. I was pretty upset. I kept hoping that I would get in and I could move to the East Bay, take the BART to Paddy's place in the city whenever I felt like it and hang out at the pub with Di. It could have all been so easy and perfect. This is the third time that damn school has rejected me (first for my BA, then my Master's and now for the PhD). They are such bastards.

Anyway, I am more upset because it means that I will probably be moving to LA (or maybe Davis, but that seems much less likely)in September. The LA program is a great (there is a very good chance that I may get to teach in Italy during the summers) and I should be really happy, but I've barely thought about that because it means I would be leaving Paddy again to go to grad school. So it has been a very sad week for me. We talked about it a long time and he is really supportive, says we will try to work it out and that it isn't that far, we can take vacations together, we can have lots of weekends in San Luis Obispo. Financially it isn't an issue. He's right and I think we can work it out; there are people in much, much worse situations. I'm sure anyone whose significant other is in Iraq on a double tour of duty can testify.

I realized today that it's not just that I'm afraid that things might change between us, but I feel guilty. So guilty for not being able to figure out a way to do something up here that will make me happy. And selfish. I was surprised when I figured that out--I mean, aren't I as liberated as the next middle-class white girl? So, I got to feel bad for not being feminist enough (again). Totally meaningless guilt. Really, I shouldn't apply some hazy political ideology to my personal life, since the reality of the situation is that I will be doing something to jeopardize a relationship that is deeply important to me. Feminism be damned--I'd probably feel just as bad if I were a man. I'm scared. It was so awful when we broke up and I moved to Montreal--the situation is different and our relationship is different, but that still lingers. Working it out will be hard and not just for me. It isn't some year-long program, it's a long haul, even if academic life is more flexible than most jobs. I need to sort out how I feel, but some of these emotions are catching me by surprise. Intellectually, I know that it is something that I should do, and as Paddy pointed out, if I'm not happy with what I am doing with my life, we can't be happy together, either. I just need to let it settle in. We still need to see what the offers are anyway, because that should make it pretty clear as to what I should do. I need to focus on the positives, of which there are many.

xanthium at 3:23 p.m.

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