2007-04-18

sorry, all this retrospection must be getting very irritating

I've been reading a lot of Di's old diary entries about when we moved to Montreal. Two things really stand out--she went from saying "I love montreal and grad school" to "I hate canada and grad school" in the space of a week, maybe two. Secondly, how much we risked by going there, and how different my situation is this time. Last time, we moved across an entire continent, to a place where we barely understood the language, not knowing anyone there, for the sake of an iffy job--lifestyle, really. We imagined some hip adventure as a couple of young hopeful pseudo intellectuals. This time, I just want a job that is bearable and steady. Health insurance would be nice. So would not being ashamed of not having a career. I did all that I could to make sure that Paddy knew that I wasn't leaving him. I'm going back to the little hippy fascist town that I thought I was escaping all those years ago. I realize how important it is to have a support network and how much easier it makes everything. I just want to hang out and shoot the shit over some beer. Read my books. Help out my students. And it is ok.

I've been worrying because I haven't really read much since finishing my master's over a year ago. I hadn't wanted to and it is the only time since I learned how to read that I haven't felt compelled to read. Now that I have decided to go back, I'm enjoying reading Virginia Woolf; two months ago, when my mother gave it to me, I couldn't bear to read more than a page. When I was in high school, it was the same way with music. I played the flute. I practiced a few hours a day, took private lessons, filled out music theory workbooks. When I went to college, I stopped completely. I couldn't find place to practice where no one could hear me and was too self-conscious to audition. I never play anymore, even though I have carried that flute to every place I have ever lived, even to Italy--it's like I can't just have an interest, I have to make it everything. Now I don't pay much attention to music, really, not even to listen to, although I always preferred playing to listening. Yet, I used to like it so much.

xanthium at 10:10 p.m.

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